【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼 _云知道

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼【【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼】01、危险的运动应该被取消，这样的话题出现的还是比较普遍的，相对来说也比较好写，但也因为范围太广不好找切入点，这位同学写得还不错，看看他是怎样展开思路的？

作文题目：

Some people think thatdangerous sports should be banned,but others think the people should havefreedom to choose sports activities.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

作文内容：

Extreme sports are becomingincreasingly popular due to the fact that individuals nowadays are awash withrepeated daily work and want to find something exciting to do.Although agroup of people believe that the dangerous sports should be banned,I firmlyhold the opinion that people have their rights and freedom to choose sportsactivities.

There is no doubt that extremesports may be life-threatening.Even if the security facilities have beenimproved significantly compared to the past,accidents do exist.Forinstance,every year there are some people getting injured or even losingtheir lives in bungee jumping as a result of the loose cords or jumping froma inappropriate place.From this perspective,it seems that in order to protecthuman beings from danger,dangerous sports should be restricted.

However,doing dangerous sports isan effective way to alleviate stress and make people cherish theirlives.Nowadays,owing to the fast flow of information,individuals live afast-paced life.When they finish certain works,now ones quickly flock to themwhich could breed high pressure.In this circumstance,extreme sports such asskydiving can help them get rid of the troublesome work[A1]as they need to totally focus onthe dangerous sports,which means,they have little time to think about theirwork.Moreover,people may cherish their lives more via experiencing thefrightening feelings of death.

To conclude,although extremesports like bungee jumping and skydiving may be life-threatening,theprobability is quite small.Also,thedangerous activities are beneficial because they could alleviate stress andmake people cherish their lives.[A2] Therefore,they should be continuedand the authorities have the duty to make the security facilities morereliable.

[A1]摆脱的不是工作，而是工作带来的压力，这里需要修改；
[A2]和上面的重复过多，缓解压力变相表达就是心情变得更加愉悦，可以从这个角度来改变表达方式，后者及意识的生命的宝贵，不可直接把上面的句子拿下来

各项细评：

针对问题最大的一点给出修改建议：

结尾段的语句不够精炼，这点给整篇文章拉分。希望今后不要出现结尾段直接和上面表达雷同的情况，并且表达方式可以更加灵活

附批改原图：

雅思热文

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼的内容就分享到这里。

【雅思作文批改】6.5分：结尾段的语句不够精炼

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